We spent a good buzzed, dashboard-lit hour last night talking about the unnecessary difficulty involved in maintaining relationships (friendship and otherwise) with people who come from a different class background. I say ‘unnecessary’ because such relationship situations generally fail after a while, somewhat nullifying the time spent therein. While varying circumstances contribute to the ends of relationships, a class difference that exists almost always outweighs all other differences and certainly contributes to each person’s style of communication and tolerance for bullshit.
I don’t have a ton of experience with people who come from upper-class backgrounds with the exception of one – he’s still my best friend. The class divide was always really apparent, especially when family was involved. I remember being really embarrassed by my trashy mom who would fall asleep with cigarettes hanging out of her mouth, burning holes in everything and trying to make conversation through her drugged stupor. I loved her, and yeah, it was hardly her real behavior, but still…. bringing my friends over was not always easy unless they had similar upbringings. When I’d go to my rich friends’ houses I’d have to pretend I knew what certain foods and vegetables are, ask for clarification of certain words, and be totally confused about certain upper middle class phenomena like the removal of shoes upon entering the house or calling people Mrs. or Mr. whatever.
Sarah said that part of a successful relationship is the understanding of where the other person is coming from, specifically how they were raised and their style of communication that is influenced by their upbringing. While most people who come from middle/upper class backgrounds like to think they understand the experience of lower/working class childhoods, they don’t. It wasn’t their experience, just like having a safety net wasn’t ours. I agree.
It’s also so interesting to see how punk plays into this, both of us coming from punk backgrounds (and foregrounds, fuckers!) and knowing people who have chosen the punk identity at some point in their lives and since abandoned it. I guess I’m tired of feeling cheesy about talking about punk and classism and the abandonment of punk in favor of consumerism. I’m not sure how one outgrows punk ideals, and I think it’s all rooted in class differences. Most “ex-punks” I know who were entrenched in the lifestyle are those who came from middle to upper-class backgrounds and had access and experience to things we didn’t.
While I wish all people could understand what it’s like to exist in the world coming from a poor background, there are certain things I’ll never feel comfortable with sharing with my more privileged community. I don’t want people to tell me how hard it sounds… because I don’t know any different, and to be perfectly honest I don’t think people from upper class backgrounds could ever understand our thought patterns or reasoning despite their huge vocabularies and numerous sociology degrees.
