Are we buying our femme identities?
I have questions for other Femmes from lower class/working class/welfare brat backgrounds:
Is Femme an identity based on physical presentation exclusively? How much of our identities are bought or purchased? Do we buy Femme when we purchase garters, heels, stockings or lipstick? Are we paying for an image to present to the world because we are not comfortable enough in our bodies to be satisfied with being read the wrong way? Is being read the right way the end-all-be-all goal for all? Do we have to try harder than Femmes from middle and upper class backgrounds? Do we have to try harder to overcome stereotypes of being trashy, not Femme enough, or having bad manners because of how we grew up and how much money we have to put into our physical presentations?
I know I pay for Femme. I also know I am Femme regardless of what I wear. I like to dress myself up, I like to feel sexy and feminine - I also struggle with who I am doing this all for. Myself, really? Really? I think so, but I often wonder where this comes from. I like to run my fingers down my thigh and feel a pair of brand new garters holding up sheer black thigh-highs. But when I buy them, I picture the look on my butch date’s face when she catches a glimpse of my bare thigh before I think of how good they will make me feel. Lately I’m really into finding out root causes for everything, and the root cause of this one really bothers me.
Are these the things I’ll learn in college or what?
(Congratulations to me - I start college in three weeks! I haven’t been in a formal classroom setting since I quit high school in 1997. Nervewracking!)
August 29, 2008 at 3:16 pm
Great post. I’ve been thinking about this a lot myself lately. I’ve never had too much money and now I have even less because I’m also going back to school- congrats to you btw. I enjoy looking feminine and dressing up, especially if it’s for a special butch and I also enjoy knowing that certain outfits will make her squirm the entire night- a glimpse of bare leg, an open back, etc. So I do it for myself, but it’s also part of the queer gender play and it’s about desire.
As far as money, I was in a store yesterday and saw all sorts of clothes I would love to have for fall, but I can’t afford them at the moment. And the thought does cross my mind from time to time, that some girl is going to out-femme me and maybe they’ll be desired more. But immediately after that thought comes the- if a butch would pick another girl over me solely based on her (perhaps) nicer clothes- fuck her! That’s not someone I would want to be with. And I think femme is as much about attitude and desire as it is about what you’re wearing.
Just some initial thoughts…
August 29, 2008 at 3:35 pm
Thanks for responding! I’ve been thinking about this a lot because I’m trying to cope with not working 40 hours a week anymore. And even though I’m still going to be working 18 hour weeks at $4 more than minimum wage I’m going to have to say no to a lot of material things I’d normally buy. Also I’m a really frivilous spender because I’m really BAD AT MONEY! I never had much growing up, and I had one of those dot-com jobs for a while years ago where I was paid insane amounts of money …and all I could do was buy ridiculous things I didn’t need and pay for everything my friends did or wanted. I totally have nothing to show for it.
But now I’m a lot more judgemental about what I spend my money on. Not having enough for “retail therapy” stresses me out, and it also makes me think about the reasons behind wanting to spend that kind of money on aesthetic things. Like, why do I care? I want to feel good, but where does it come from? Misogyny? Television/moviestar society? Butch Misogyny? Man, I don’t know… but I’m glad I’m not the only one thinking about it….
best of luck in school to you too!!! xoxo nikki
August 29, 2008 at 9:32 pm
Yes! Because identities are commodified under capitalism, including queer identities. Do you know Alexandra Chasin’s work? If not, you MUST get yourself a copy of Selling Out: The Gay and Lesbian Movement Goes to Market. It’s right up your alley, and very accessible.
Good for you for going back to school. Some of favorite (and best!) students are people of “non-traditional” ages. I’m sure you’re going to love being back in the classroom.
xo SF